Changing

Since I've discovered I think better when writing, I'm going to start using this more. I've decided to give this weight-loss thing a try again. So I started Weight-Watchers online. I need to hold myself accountable, and they have some nice tools, recipe lists, trackers, etc. that will help me. Plus, I'm an internet junkie. Add in the apps for my phone and tablet, and WW is pretty much perfect for me.

So I started tracking and weighing myself yesterday. I never expected this to be fun, but I went into it with a positive attitude, and decided that it was something worth doing.

Yesterday was hard. It was the first day I had really made an effort to watch what I was eating. Had a good breakfast, good lunch, and a snack in between. Drank so much water I felt like I was preggo again with the trips to the bathroom every hour. I thought I was doing good. I even came in under my points allotment, which I know isn't good, but still suprised me nonetheless.

What I didn't count on was the nagging headache, the jitteriness, the irritability, and the general crap feeling that started around 10am and lasted until I went to bed. Apparently, I neglected to realize that I am not only addicted to food, but to caffeine as well. No surprise, but what a smack in the face! I went from 3-4 cups of coffee and (usually) an energy drink and sodas each day to one cup of coffee in the morning, and water throughout. Ugh...not fun.

Found myself thinking about throwing in the towel more than once, then got frustrated with myself for even thinking about giving up already. I know my body is detoxing. I know this is a long process, and as my dad told me, a slow jog not a sprint. Still, patience has never been a virtue I've possessed. I do feed off encouragement and praise, and strive to make my family proud. Here's hoping that the need for encouragement and pride outweighs everything else.

More importantly though, my children, my husband, and I need me to be healthier. So that's more than enough reason to push through.

It's hard to admit that I've very overweight. To get to where I want to be, I have to lose about 90lbs. But I've done this to myself, and I have to hold myself accountable. Each day at work I see people who are morbidly obese, and I mean 500lbs+. I don't want to end up there. My knees hurt, my back hurts, and I have no energy. I'm depriving my kids of the mother they deserve, the one who doesn't get winded running around outside with them, the one who models good eating behaviors for them, and who is going to be around for the long haul. So I have to do this. For them, for Ben, for my family, but most importantly, for me.

On to day two...

Dear 16 year old Self

I posted this on Facebook, but I thought it worth repeating...

Dear 16-year-old me,

     That boy that you're seeing? The one you weren’t too sure about? He's THE ONE. Be nice to him, and stop giving him so much grief. You'll find out soon that he's never going to leave you. He's your rock, your best f...riend, and everything you've ever dreamed about. Life with him won't always be easy for the two of you, but it will be amazing. He's going to give you more gifts than you can ever count, and make you so happy you won't believe your luck. 15 years from now, you'll wonder how time passed by so quickly, and when you look at him, you'll know that he's still that same boy who stole your heart, but he's also the most incredible man, husband, and father you've ever known. So go easy on him. He's a keeper.

     Stop arguing with Dad. You're never going to win. Even when you're 30, you won't win. Always remember, Dad will be behind you 150% no matter what you do. So enjoy listening to him now. You'll miss the days when you were his little girl. Although you always will be, it's different once you get older. Not bad, just different. He's so smart, but don't tell him that, he'll get a big head! Take his advice. He'll always be the one who gives you the kick-in-the-butt when you need it. And he's going to be an amazing Pop-Pop. Nothing will prepare you for watching the love he has for his grandchildren.

     Get over yourself, and start treating Mom better. She's going to be your best friend. She'll be your confidant, your anchor, your cheerleader, and the greatest woman you'll ever know. Stop making her life so difficult. She only wants what's best for you, and someday, you'll hate knowing how bad things were for you and her for so many years. But don't worry; you'll end up being closer to her than you are to almost anyone else. You'll have a real, true adult relationship that surpasses the mother/daughter boundaries. You'll never have anyone else like her in your life. She's simply amazing.

     Your kids are going to redefine you. And you’re going to have a son. He'll be the most amazing, beautiful little being you will ever lay eyes on, and he's going to make you feel so unbelievable you'll think you will burst from the love you have for him. He's more than you ever dreamed, the best part of you and that boy you're with now. He'll have your eyes, and his father's sense of humor, and your impatience. And just when you think you can't possibly love anyone as much as you love him, your daughter will come, and you'll see firsthand how much room there is in your heart. She'll melt your heart, and wrap her daddy around her little finger. She'll try your patience and break your heart with how beautiful and kind she is. She’s going to look so much like her daddy you'll be amazed. Every ounce of attitude you ever gave mom and dad will come back to you through her, and though she'll drive you insane, she'll be so amazing you'll forgive her anything. At the end of every day, you'll go to bed thanking God for the amazing family you have, and wondering how you got so lucky.

     Please be nicer to Granny. You don’t have that much more time with her left. Take the time to ask her about her life, and really listen to her. She’s an amazing woman, and she loves you so much. And she’ll be gone way too soon. And once you lose her, you’ll live with regret forever. So take the time to learn from her and love her now. And tell her. I promise you, someday you’ll wish you had.

     Follow your heart. Don’t do what you think others want you to do; instead, do what YOU want to do. Make mistakes, but learn from them. Don’t be afraid. And please, BE YOURSELF. You’ll realize later that you wasted so much time trying to be who you thought you should be, that you wasted time learning who you wanted to be. Your real friends will stand by you and love you for who you are, not who they want you to be.

     Most of all, relax, enjoy the ride, and know that your life may not be easy, but it will be amazing.

Love,
Your 30-year-old-self