Changing

Since I've discovered I think better when writing, I'm going to start using this more. I've decided to give this weight-loss thing a try again. So I started Weight-Watchers online. I need to hold myself accountable, and they have some nice tools, recipe lists, trackers, etc. that will help me. Plus, I'm an internet junkie. Add in the apps for my phone and tablet, and WW is pretty much perfect for me.

So I started tracking and weighing myself yesterday. I never expected this to be fun, but I went into it with a positive attitude, and decided that it was something worth doing.

Yesterday was hard. It was the first day I had really made an effort to watch what I was eating. Had a good breakfast, good lunch, and a snack in between. Drank so much water I felt like I was preggo again with the trips to the bathroom every hour. I thought I was doing good. I even came in under my points allotment, which I know isn't good, but still suprised me nonetheless.

What I didn't count on was the nagging headache, the jitteriness, the irritability, and the general crap feeling that started around 10am and lasted until I went to bed. Apparently, I neglected to realize that I am not only addicted to food, but to caffeine as well. No surprise, but what a smack in the face! I went from 3-4 cups of coffee and (usually) an energy drink and sodas each day to one cup of coffee in the morning, and water throughout. Ugh...not fun.

Found myself thinking about throwing in the towel more than once, then got frustrated with myself for even thinking about giving up already. I know my body is detoxing. I know this is a long process, and as my dad told me, a slow jog not a sprint. Still, patience has never been a virtue I've possessed. I do feed off encouragement and praise, and strive to make my family proud. Here's hoping that the need for encouragement and pride outweighs everything else.

More importantly though, my children, my husband, and I need me to be healthier. So that's more than enough reason to push through.

It's hard to admit that I've very overweight. To get to where I want to be, I have to lose about 90lbs. But I've done this to myself, and I have to hold myself accountable. Each day at work I see people who are morbidly obese, and I mean 500lbs+. I don't want to end up there. My knees hurt, my back hurts, and I have no energy. I'm depriving my kids of the mother they deserve, the one who doesn't get winded running around outside with them, the one who models good eating behaviors for them, and who is going to be around for the long haul. So I have to do this. For them, for Ben, for my family, but most importantly, for me.

On to day two...

Dear 16 year old Self

I posted this on Facebook, but I thought it worth repeating...

Dear 16-year-old me,

     That boy that you're seeing? The one you weren’t too sure about? He's THE ONE. Be nice to him, and stop giving him so much grief. You'll find out soon that he's never going to leave you. He's your rock, your best f...riend, and everything you've ever dreamed about. Life with him won't always be easy for the two of you, but it will be amazing. He's going to give you more gifts than you can ever count, and make you so happy you won't believe your luck. 15 years from now, you'll wonder how time passed by so quickly, and when you look at him, you'll know that he's still that same boy who stole your heart, but he's also the most incredible man, husband, and father you've ever known. So go easy on him. He's a keeper.

     Stop arguing with Dad. You're never going to win. Even when you're 30, you won't win. Always remember, Dad will be behind you 150% no matter what you do. So enjoy listening to him now. You'll miss the days when you were his little girl. Although you always will be, it's different once you get older. Not bad, just different. He's so smart, but don't tell him that, he'll get a big head! Take his advice. He'll always be the one who gives you the kick-in-the-butt when you need it. And he's going to be an amazing Pop-Pop. Nothing will prepare you for watching the love he has for his grandchildren.

     Get over yourself, and start treating Mom better. She's going to be your best friend. She'll be your confidant, your anchor, your cheerleader, and the greatest woman you'll ever know. Stop making her life so difficult. She only wants what's best for you, and someday, you'll hate knowing how bad things were for you and her for so many years. But don't worry; you'll end up being closer to her than you are to almost anyone else. You'll have a real, true adult relationship that surpasses the mother/daughter boundaries. You'll never have anyone else like her in your life. She's simply amazing.

     Your kids are going to redefine you. And you’re going to have a son. He'll be the most amazing, beautiful little being you will ever lay eyes on, and he's going to make you feel so unbelievable you'll think you will burst from the love you have for him. He's more than you ever dreamed, the best part of you and that boy you're with now. He'll have your eyes, and his father's sense of humor, and your impatience. And just when you think you can't possibly love anyone as much as you love him, your daughter will come, and you'll see firsthand how much room there is in your heart. She'll melt your heart, and wrap her daddy around her little finger. She'll try your patience and break your heart with how beautiful and kind she is. She’s going to look so much like her daddy you'll be amazed. Every ounce of attitude you ever gave mom and dad will come back to you through her, and though she'll drive you insane, she'll be so amazing you'll forgive her anything. At the end of every day, you'll go to bed thanking God for the amazing family you have, and wondering how you got so lucky.

     Please be nicer to Granny. You don’t have that much more time with her left. Take the time to ask her about her life, and really listen to her. She’s an amazing woman, and she loves you so much. And she’ll be gone way too soon. And once you lose her, you’ll live with regret forever. So take the time to learn from her and love her now. And tell her. I promise you, someday you’ll wish you had.

     Follow your heart. Don’t do what you think others want you to do; instead, do what YOU want to do. Make mistakes, but learn from them. Don’t be afraid. And please, BE YOURSELF. You’ll realize later that you wasted so much time trying to be who you thought you should be, that you wasted time learning who you wanted to be. Your real friends will stand by you and love you for who you are, not who they want you to be.

     Most of all, relax, enjoy the ride, and know that your life may not be easy, but it will be amazing.

Love,
Your 30-year-old-self

 

The Mommy in My Head

If motherhood has taught me anything, it's this. The Mommy I though I would be, the Mommy that used to live in my head when I thought about my future children, that woman is a fantasy. She doesn't exist, and I don't know if she ever could.

The Mommy in my head bakes cookies for her kids in her free time, and always has a spotless kitchen stocked with every snack a kid could want.

The Real Mommy bakes brownies to hide from the kids, if she bakes them at all. No way are they getting hopped up on sugar on my watch! The Real Mommy has a kitchen littered with toys and other detritus from our daily lives. The sink is full more often than not, and the dishwasher is always filled...mostly with clean dished that I haven't put away. And snacks? Few and far between. Most of the chips are stale, and the cookies don't hang around long enough to get stale. There are carrots and other healthy snacks in the fridge, but good luck convincing my 3 year old and 1 year old that they are, indeed, delicious. Hell, I don't even want to eat them. Maybe they should look at their father for a better example of healthy eating...

The Mommy in my head is active and healthy, running around with her kids and getting "down and dirty" right along with them. She takes them on outings, has creative projects to do with them, and never, ever uses the TV as a form of entertainment.

The Real Mommy needs to lose 50+, but can't commit to it. I swear, if I lost a pound for every time I've sworn I would lose weight, I'd be anorexic. I want to be healthier and skinny, but somewhere between the commitment and the Chik-Fil-A I lose my nerve. Hmm. As for running around and getting down and dirty, well dirty means an extra bath. And while I don't mind a good day of outdoor fun with them, the idea of advocating "dirty" activities is a no-go most days. Extra baths mean extra water all over the floor, soap in the eyes, pulled hair, and tantrums when it's time to vacate the tub. Not to mention a round of "nakey" dances while Mommy chases Babies around the bedrooms to insist that yes, dear, we need to wear clothing. Outings, well if Daddy's home, yes. But Mommy and Babies, well, lets just wait til Dad gets home. Because if we don't, someone is gonna cry. Which will just make the kids think I'm crazy and off the meds again. Creative projects? I'm lucky if I have enough creativity left in me to make something other than Beef Stroganoff for dinner. I'll let Team Oomi Zoomi and Blues Clues inspire their little minds to keep working. Thanks to Geo, Bot, and Milli, Jake can count to 10 and is learning to tell left from right. Thanks Oomi Friends!

I swore I would read to my kids every night at bedtime. Now I just can't wait for bedtime so the "Mommy Mommy Mommy" stops and I can feel guilty for previously hoping they would go to sleep so I could read or study.

The Mommy in my head kept detailed records of her children's childhood and babyhood, chronicaling their growth and development through baby books and pictures that they would cherish forever.

The Real Mommy has fallen short. Jake's Baby book was filled out for the first year or so. Makenna's made it as far as leaving the hospital to bring her home. I'm not sure that I even know where they are now. As for pictures, Jake had a dedicated picture each month for the first year. Makenna, not so much. Bad Mommy, Bad. I have pictures, just not as many as with Jake. Guess my hands are a bit too full to carry a camera now.

So what is the point of this rant? Well, I am by far NOT the Mommy in my head. I thought I would be, but then reality set in. So where does that leave me as Real Mommy??

Real Mommy would jump in front of a bus if it would save her children. Real Mommy loves them with her whole heart and soul. She is doing everything she can now to work and be productive so that they have everything they could want or need in the future. Real Mommy has learned that life is never what you thought it would be. She's not perfect. She has bad days, and good days. She feels guilty for the things she hasn't done for her kids that she wants to do, and has big plans for the future with them. Real Mommy loves Real Daddy more than (almost) anything in the world, and hopes that Babies find someone to share their life with when they get older, so they can experience what she feels for Real Daddy.

Real Mommy may not compare to The Mommy in my Head, but you know what? So far, she isn't perfect, but her kids are happy and healthy. They love their families, and they love each other. They are hitting all their milestones, and the are growing and learning every day. They have warm beds to sleep in, they get kisses and hugs all day every day. They hear Mommy and Daddy tell them they love them at least 10 times a day, and the last thing they hear from Mommy when she leaves or when they go to bed is "I love you." They are smart, happy, healthy, and most of all, loved. And that's what really matters.

They may not have the Mommy in my Head, but they have me. And there's no one on this earth who will love them more.

My Granny

I'm not the first person in the world to lose someone. I know that. But to those of you who haven't, there is nothing easy about saying goodbye to someone who's always been there. And to those of you who know what I am going through, I ask, "Does the hurt ever go away?"

I lost my Granny, Margaret Shown, on October 19, 2011. She was diagnosed with what we'll call a bad heart in September of 2010, not long after Makenna was born. In fact, this is a picture of her with Makenna when we took Makenna to the hospital before Granny's Cardiac Catheterization procedure, which would be the procedure that told us her heart was in trouble.

We weren't always close, but in the last few years of her life, we became closer than we had been. Especially when I had my children. It was amazing to see her with my babies. How many children have the chance to know their great grandparents? I don't remember mine. And that kills me, that my children will only have pictures to remember her by.

I feel like crying writing this. I know there are other loses that are more profound. Some I don't even want to think about. That doesn't make the hurt less. She was with me for 27 years, and there is a massive hole in my heart without her. She loved me, of that I have no doubt. I just wish I knew for certain that I let her know how very much I loved her. I feel like there were so many wasted moments with her, moments that I wish I could get back. I'm guessing that's a normal part of loss. It just sucks so much not to have one more opportunity to tell her I love her. I believe in God, and I believe in Heaven, so I'm banking on her being able to hear me now, because I talk to her all the time. Probably more now than when she was alive. 

So many times in the months since she has died, I've picked up the phone to call her. Her number is still in there. I can't bring myself to take it out. Silly, I know. But there's a part of me that just can't let go.

She was hospitalized a few days before she passed away. I went to see her that Saturday. I woke her up when I went into her room. The medical professional in me knew she needed to sleep, and almost didn't wake her, but the granddaughter in me wanted her to know I was there. I'm so glad I did. I was in the room with her when the doctors told her that the fight was over, that it was time to go home on hospice, and that it would only be a matter of weeks before her time was up. That was, by far, one of the hardest things to watch. To see a woman I love with my entire heart being told she was going to die, sooner rather than later. She was lucid, so she knew exactly what was happening, and what she was being told. She didn't want to die, but she knew she was out of time. To this day I can't get the image or sound of her crying about what the doctors told her out of my head. I'm glad I was there for her, but I wish the images would go away. It's selfish, because at least I am here to have them. 

There's only one thing that was good about that visit, as it was the last time I saw my Granny alive. As I was leaving, I hugged her tightly and told her I loved her, and she said she loved me. I'll never forget the look in her eyes when I was leaving, because in her eyes was the knowledge that this was quite possibly the last time we would see each other. I didn't want to leave, but I knew I couldn't stay forever. As it turns out, she was released from the hospital the next day, and was barely conscious after that. She passed away Wednesday afternoon. It was a blessing, because at the end things weren't good for her. I was taking the children to see her on Sunday, and it breaks my heart that she never got to say goodbye to them. Hell, it breaks my heart that we had to say goodbye at all.

When it comes to Granny, my life is full of should have, could have, and would have. I should have been better to her when I had the chance. I could have told her I loved her a few more times when I was with her, I should have held her longer. If I had believed that it was our last visit, I would have taken pictures with her, taken the kids to see her. The list goes on. Even though I know in my head that I can't live based on the should/could/would have's. 

I can still hear her voice, so clearly that I feel like I could call her right now, and she'd be on the other end of the line. She loved her family so much, and even the last time I saw her, she was so...well, so Granny. She loved the Orioles, was learning to love football. She loved coffee, and hot tea. She loved her family, and was happiest when surrounded by them, especially her great grandchildren, Makenna was her only great-granddaughter, who shared her middle name as I do. She was always so proud of any accomplishment her family had. When Ben graduated on 12/19, I wanted to call her to tell her. The same as I wanted to call her Christmas Morning. Then I remembered. And I cried. Not as much as the time before, but still.

I'm becoming more and more convinced that this won't go away. The hurt won't disappear, the pain of losing her won't stop. I just hope that some day, some time soon, I can think of her without crying, and that I can see her picture without feeling sad. She loved life, and would hate for us to be sad for her. So I hope that some day, I can think of her with a smile, not a tear.

Granny, I love you so much, and I hope you know that. You left a hole in my heart, and it's one that will never be filled without you on this earth. Someday, I'll see you again, and until then I'll miss you. I think about you every day, and I don't think that will ever change. I hope you are resting peacfully in the arms of your Lord, for if there was any one who deserved to be with Jesus, it was you. If you have any way to do it, please show me that this hurt will stop some day. I miss you so much. I love you more. And I can't, even months later, believe that you are gone.

I love you, Granny. Always.

Love,

Allison

Beginning

I used to blog. I'm not sure why I stopped. My only thought is that life got in the way. Isn't that how it always is? Every day is full of, "I should be doing this" or "Why don't I do that?" and before you know it, it's eight months later, and you still haven't done what you set out to do.

I'd like to think that people care about what I have to say. I'm not naive enough to believe that, so I'll just blog for myself. Maybe it will be therapeutic. I'd like to think it might be a stress reliever. I've always been good at writing, so maybe I can use one of my strengths to help me deal with my weaknesses.

If I think about it. I kind of want to use this as a journal. Both the story of my life, and the day-to-day bits and pieces of raising two children. I express myself better when I write than when I speak. Yay me.

So some days, this may just be a rant about the latest test we've faced in parenting. Other days, maybe it will be a little piece of my journey to better understand myself. But I know one thing...I'd like this to be genuine, a true representation of the person I am, and the person I am still learning to be.

Maybe I'll be successful, maybe not. But if all else fails, I'll have some interesting reading to look back on, right?