If motherhood has taught me anything, it's this. The Mommy I though I would be, the Mommy that used to live in my head when I thought about my future children, that woman is a fantasy. She doesn't exist, and I don't know if she ever could.
The Mommy in my head bakes cookies for her kids in her free time, and always has a spotless kitchen stocked with every snack a kid could want.
The Real Mommy bakes brownies to hide from the kids, if she bakes them at all. No way are they getting hopped up on sugar on my watch! The Real Mommy has a kitchen littered with toys and other detritus from our daily lives. The sink is full more often than not, and the dishwasher is always filled...mostly with clean dished that I haven't put away. And snacks? Few and far between. Most of the chips are stale, and the cookies don't hang around long enough to get stale. There are carrots and other healthy snacks in the fridge, but good luck convincing my 3 year old and 1 year old that they are, indeed, delicious. Hell, I don't even want to eat them. Maybe they should look at their father for a better example of healthy eating...
The Mommy in my head is active and healthy, running around with her kids and getting "down and dirty" right along with them. She takes them on outings, has creative projects to do with them, and never, ever uses the TV as a form of entertainment.
The Real Mommy needs to lose 50+, but can't commit to it. I swear, if I lost a pound for every time I've sworn I would lose weight, I'd be anorexic. I want to be healthier and skinny, but somewhere between the commitment and the Chik-Fil-A I lose my nerve. Hmm. As for running around and getting down and dirty, well dirty means an extra bath. And while I don't mind a good day of outdoor fun with them, the idea of advocating "dirty" activities is a no-go most days. Extra baths mean extra water all over the floor, soap in the eyes, pulled hair, and tantrums when it's time to vacate the tub. Not to mention a round of "nakey" dances while Mommy chases Babies around the bedrooms to insist that yes, dear, we need to wear clothing. Outings, well if Daddy's home, yes. But Mommy and Babies, well, lets just wait til Dad gets home. Because if we don't, someone is gonna cry. Which will just make the kids think I'm crazy and off the meds again. Creative projects? I'm lucky if I have enough creativity left in me to make something other than Beef Stroganoff for dinner. I'll let Team Oomi Zoomi and Blues Clues inspire their little minds to keep working. Thanks to Geo, Bot, and Milli, Jake can count to 10 and is learning to tell left from right. Thanks Oomi Friends!
I swore I would read to my kids every night at bedtime. Now I just can't wait for bedtime so the "Mommy Mommy Mommy" stops and I can feel guilty for previously hoping they would go to sleep so I could read or study.
The Mommy in my head kept detailed records of her children's childhood and babyhood, chronicaling their growth and development through baby books and pictures that they would cherish forever.
The Real Mommy has fallen short. Jake's Baby book was filled out for the first year or so. Makenna's made it as far as leaving the hospital to bring her home. I'm not sure that I even know where they are now. As for pictures, Jake had a dedicated picture each month for the first year. Makenna, not so much. Bad Mommy, Bad. I have pictures, just not as many as with Jake. Guess my hands are a bit too full to carry a camera now.
So what is the point of this rant? Well, I am by far NOT the Mommy in my head. I thought I would be, but then reality set in. So where does that leave me as Real Mommy??
Real Mommy would jump in front of a bus if it would save her children. Real Mommy loves them with her whole heart and soul. She is doing everything she can now to work and be productive so that they have everything they could want or need in the future. Real Mommy has learned that life is never what you thought it would be. She's not perfect. She has bad days, and good days. She feels guilty for the things she hasn't done for her kids that she wants to do, and has big plans for the future with them. Real Mommy loves Real Daddy more than (almost) anything in the world, and hopes that Babies find someone to share their life with when they get older, so they can experience what she feels for Real Daddy.
Real Mommy may not compare to The Mommy in my Head, but you know what? So far, she isn't perfect, but her kids are happy and healthy. They love their families, and they love each other. They are hitting all their milestones, and the are growing and learning every day. They have warm beds to sleep in, they get kisses and hugs all day every day. They hear Mommy and Daddy tell them they love them at least 10 times a day, and the last thing they hear from Mommy when she leaves or when they go to bed is "I love you." They are smart, happy, healthy, and most of all, loved. And that's what really matters.
They may not have the Mommy in my Head, but they have me. And there's no one on this earth who will love them more.
